October 16, 2021

vgn365

We know our pets

Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

When letting an evil, bloodthirsty monster into your home to serve as your pet, it never hurts to be prepared. Here are the things every cat owner wished they’d known before adopting.

2 / 22

Biting The Fuck Out Of You

Biting The Fuck Out Of You

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

A large part of cat ownership is simply accepting the fact that these furry little assholes can and will plunge their fangs into you for no goddamn reason.

3 / 22

How Much You’ll Miss Catching Your Own Rodents And Small Birds

How Much You’ll Miss Catching Your Own Rodents And Small Birds

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Sure, it’s convenient to have a cat around to do this errand for you, but you’ll come to actually miss hunting mice and squirrels at twilight.

They’re Soft

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Those looking for a hard or sharp kind of pet are in for a rude awakening.

5 / 22

People Will Use This One Simple Fact About You To Lazily Buy You Basic Cat-Themed Gifts For The Rest Of Your Life

People Will Use This One Simple Fact About You To Lazily Buy You Basic Cat-Themed Gifts For The Rest Of Your Life

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

This is your new reality, so it’s best to start practicing feigned enthusiasm early.

6 / 22

90% Of Cats Fail To Turn A Profit In The First Year

90% Of Cats Fail To Turn A Profit In The First Year

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Count yourself lucky if your cat is generating income by its second birthday.

7 / 22

There Is Not A Huge Market For Underground Cat Fights

There Is Not A Huge Market For Underground Cat Fights

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Sorry, you’re better off with a chicken or pit bull.

8 / 22

They Will Try To Eat You If You Die

They Will Try To Eat You If You Die

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

If you want any chance at an open casket funeral, you better make sure your corpse is discovered within 24 hours.

Noses

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Many prospective owners choose to adopt a cat because they are excited to play with its long, hose-like nose, only to realize after the fact that they were actually thinking of an elephant.

All Cats Are Dead

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Although cats may seem like playful, alert companions, their movements are actually spasms typical of recently deceased animal corpses.

11 / 22

Cats Fought For Apartheid In South Africa

Cats Fought For Apartheid In South Africa

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

If you want to get along with your new cat, you’re better off not mentioning the human rights abuses that occurred during the decades-long apartheid regime.

Purring

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Many cat owners think that purring is a sign that a cat is relaxed and happy, but it actually means you’ve activated The Omega Device.

Afternoon Tea

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Young cats require stimulation, which is why you should serve them afternoon tea every day at 4 p.m. with scones and jam.

Loyalty

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

You picked the wrong pet, buddy.

15 / 22

Stress Can Make Cats Sick

Stress Can Make Cats Sick

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

It’s important to curb your cat’s stress by limiting their time around you.

Penmanship

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Cats have exquisite handwriting, but you may only find this out after they have passed off several thousand dollars in fraudulent checks.

17 / 22

If Anyone In Your Household Is Allergic

If Anyone In Your Household Is Allergic

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Should your partner have pet allergies, adopting a cat is a great opportunity for them to prove how much they love you.

18 / 22

It’s Important To Reciprocate Gifts

It’s Important To Reciprocate Gifts

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

When your cat drags in the corpse of a rat or bird it recently killed, the polite thing to do is have it stuffed and mounted as a trophy.

19 / 22

Cats Are Fluent In Ukrainian

Cats Are Fluent In Ukrainian

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

You shouldn’t worry when you hear it being spoken in hushed tones throughout the night.

Rough Tongue

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Cats evolved to have tongues that are rough, like sandpaper, to prevent you from making out with them, you sicko.

Return Policy

Illustration for article titled Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting

Jesus, what’s wrong with you?